7-17

Got an online message from a facilitator (R) in the aaonline.net site asking if I'd show him a meeting in Greensboro someday, and today ended up being that day. We met at FC and shared coffee afterwards... What a cool opportunity- this guy has helped do a lot in terms of bringing this website to the attn. of AA and, as it turns out, getting it approved and linked from the AA.org site. That only took 8 years... Anyway, the real miracle was that a guy I used to drink with (D), and whom hit an awful bottom 1.5 to 2 years ago, showed up in the meeting. After his 'incident' he wasn't heard from much, and no one really reached out either. On one hand I felt bad about that, on the other he was more a frined of the folks I was hanging with than myself, and on the third hand (?) he maybe was our vision of an alcoholic/ problem drinker and made us feel okay.

Anyway- I'm grateful that I got to meet this new friend, and to have reconnected with an older friend. The boif and I had dinner out tonight (after the gym... pojnt?) and had a nice discussion which briefly touched on my sobriety- He asked if it would bother me if he had a drink sometime, and I said probably not. I asked if he thought he'd seen changes in me, and he had not... Oh well... I have... But I'm not sure he was too effected by my drinking before... As he pointed out- A lot of it happened with other people, and a lot happened while he was in bed or up at his computer (speaking of addiction! cough cough...) I simply said that he may have seen it more than he realized, gave some examples, told a few drunken stories he wasn't aware of, and then proceeded to join him in taking some of my active friends' inventories. Good times....

Today's topic was tolerance, and heard some good E,S & H around maintaining our serenity and spiritual connection in dealing with difficult people.

6-12

Boy, I suck at keeping up with this blog... and that's.... okay.... Having decided I need some interesting graphics I googled "sober paris france" and this is what I got... somehow, it says it all...)

Let's see- Not an easy week.... Friday started some bullshit that I just couldn't shake all weekend... Basically, my friend let his resentments take control and we all suffered for it... Even though we talked it through and it even led to some positive action for him and his partenr, my serenity was severly shaken... I was depressed, battered.... And all but ready to throw in the towel... Thankfully someone in the program, who I have the utmost respect for, texted me bright and early. "You okay?" Syncronicity... "Nope. Going to a meeting." Went to said meeting- shared, really just to say I had, and admitted that I recognized that I was doing everything I'd heard them say they did before a relapse: isolating, depressed, tired, no calls, avoiding sponsor, less meetings... etc... I was even fantasizing about my relapse- If I relapsed now, I'd be able to drink in France next week... Anyway... The meeting embraced me. After arguing about which topic to use, I got some amazing ES&H... The burden was lifted. I was not feeling perfect, but through our discussion of acceptance, I felt sane again. A couple things came from this that I need to remember:

Acceptance is not agreement. Just because I accept that something is occuring, or that someone is acting or reacting a certain way, does not mean that I need to agree with it. This simple statement has given me growth in the area of handing over vs. door mat.

Further, another guy I've seen in quite a few meetings, and who I'd just met the week before at both of our first visits to a men's meeting, (Holy Run-on!!!)... shared a reading from page 417 of the big book:

• "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems. today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake..." A fucking men

Anyway- Friend leaving for Scotland tomorrow. I'm praying for him. I leave for Paris a week from Saturday, and sponsor has already headed to Asia... Seeing a trend here? Praying for us all... I feel strong in my program- Have been around some drinkers lately and grateful for my sobriety. Th fear comes from how quickly things can change. From moment to moment... But, that's how life works and I can accept that... That said, I did add international calling and texting to my phone for the week away. Can never be too careful!

5-15

Here is the text of my part of this morning's online meeting. What a way to start the day!

Hi- I'm *** I'm an alcoholic

ty for a wonderful topic. one that has been surfacing quite a bi in meetings lately. I'm grateful for that.

I'm onna list some stuff I'm hearing here, please don't think I'm crosstalking, or talking directly at anyone. here's my experience.

"Humble yourself in sight of God..."

"forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass againat us..."

I found myself in my abusers...

"humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings..."

My sober date was Jan. 1 2008

so I'm admittedly new to this... and have not yet worked my 4th step....

that said- I've not yet heard/ read anywhere that I need to forgive myself...

Thbis is my understanding thus far-

My job is to receive God's grace....

that is, the forgoveness and love of The God of my understanding....

In doing this, I can better forgive those who trespass, or misstep, against me....

and see God in them....

I don;t factor into this....

It's just not my job, or my place to forgive myself....

If I can find myself, my trespasses, in my 'abusers'..... I am practicing all parts of this principle....

and cannot help but ot feel better about who I am ... today....

My past has passed...

and there it goes again....

All I can do is let go of resentments, let God in, in all aspects of my life, and no drink. That's all I know to do.

God has forgiven me.... Hek, God forgave me before it happened!

If I trully acceot that grace, there is no need to forgive myself... am I above God?!

God has done for me hat which I could not do myself....

God has forgiven me where I could never begin to forogive myself....

God has done for me that which I could not do myself.....

I am immensly grateful for this program.... It took AA ....

ty GA





Add-on comment: "There is being sorry, and there is not doing it again. No doing it again is the repentance."

5-1

Topic today at summit: Resentments

Lots of discussion around the 4th step, which I've not yet started (and not looking forward to that one a bit>>>) but here's what I heard: our resentments easily manifest as frustration, rage, grouchiness... These are the trademarkls of an alky... These will deprive us of our happiness and eventually, our sobriety.

As I'm still working through step 3, I'll not get into my resentments here... But I will admit, the first one that popped to mind was Queef... That motherfucker's hurt a lot of people, and his name's just resurfaced after a nice, long break without him. The guidance I hear is to pray for him for two weeks... grrr.... For now, I pray that he gets nothing short of what he's due... Whatever that may be... At least this keep me from speculating on his intentions. Maybe he didn't mean to cause pain. I believe he did, but...

Sidenote: A guy in the meeting was driving me nuts... arrogant asshole, joking his way through, side talk, the whole bit... Sponsor told me, "if you spot it, you got it." I could stand to minimize my deflection through humor bit...