7-17

Got an online message from a facilitator (R) in the aaonline.net site asking if I'd show him a meeting in Greensboro someday, and today ended up being that day. We met at FC and shared coffee afterwards... What a cool opportunity- this guy has helped do a lot in terms of bringing this website to the attn. of AA and, as it turns out, getting it approved and linked from the AA.org site. That only took 8 years... Anyway, the real miracle was that a guy I used to drink with (D), and whom hit an awful bottom 1.5 to 2 years ago, showed up in the meeting. After his 'incident' he wasn't heard from much, and no one really reached out either. On one hand I felt bad about that, on the other he was more a frined of the folks I was hanging with than myself, and on the third hand (?) he maybe was our vision of an alcoholic/ problem drinker and made us feel okay.

Anyway- I'm grateful that I got to meet this new friend, and to have reconnected with an older friend. The boif and I had dinner out tonight (after the gym... pojnt?) and had a nice discussion which briefly touched on my sobriety- He asked if it would bother me if he had a drink sometime, and I said probably not. I asked if he thought he'd seen changes in me, and he had not... Oh well... I have... But I'm not sure he was too effected by my drinking before... As he pointed out- A lot of it happened with other people, and a lot happened while he was in bed or up at his computer (speaking of addiction! cough cough...) I simply said that he may have seen it more than he realized, gave some examples, told a few drunken stories he wasn't aware of, and then proceeded to join him in taking some of my active friends' inventories. Good times....

Today's topic was tolerance, and heard some good E,S & H around maintaining our serenity and spiritual connection in dealing with difficult people.

7-1

6 Months-

• I do plan on picking up my 6th month chip tonight... Upon further reflection an discussion, 'the dessert incident' is about intent. I knew what I was ordering, but my intent was to eat dessert. When I realized that my intent was changing, and that this was a potentially dangerous situation, I stopped.

• Am on summer break and have set up a schedule for myself to minimize down-time, which has been problematic in the past. I'm giving myself a lot of flexibility in parts... but looks something like:

• 7-8 wake, walk dog, breakfast.
• Depending on time, morning meeting then coffee shop, or off to coffee shop.
• ?-11ish- coffee, blog, step-work, web surf (sans porn)...
• bring lunch to townhouse, eat
• 12:? -2- work on cleaning out townhouse
• 2-4 free time (pool, T.V., more web surf... with porn...)
• afternoon- gym, nap, band practice... day dependent..
• Celebrated my 6th month with my first early bird meeting. Good stuff, and packed.
• Topic: sponsors...
• side bar: two old-timers brought up the damned last name thing again. Not sure why that's such an issue for them, but the more they talk about it, the less I want to bring my last name into things. Battle of the control freaks I guess....
• My share: When I'm purposefully not doing what my sponsor suggests I'm doing a few things-
• Trying to gain a sense of control.
• Distancing myself from God.
• Trying to pick up an excuse to get drunk.

Overall- Good day. Excited about helping to chair tonight.

6-30

Been out of town for a bit and fallen behind on stuff... Update:

Did not attend a meeting while gone- Should have... Will save you the excuses...

Came home still sober- although, after a comment from someone last night at a f2f, wondering if I can still pick up my 6 month chip tomorrow. I think I can, but want to do so with a clean conscience. So, here's what happened:

• Went to dinner with friends- They were drinking, of course... Me and the boif were not- Trully, traveling dehydrates me so badly, I was savoring my water... Was feeling a bit isoltaed and craving a drink, but no biggy... Ordered a dessert "Rum baba" which I expected to be like the rum cakes of my youth- my mom would get them for me at Christmas. Rum taste, but nowhere near intoxicating or 'dangerous.' Well, this dessert came, looked to be a pastry/ cake with some type of syrup and whipped cream. I took a bite and realized this was simple sponge cake sitting in pure rum... I felt silly for having ordered it, and didn't want to make a stink (lose face) in front of my drinking friends- So I took a second bite, from the top- not soaking in rum... But this part was also soaked through. I felt guilty, and realized this dessert had taken a turn... I put my fork down and didn't have any more. So- slip or no? Relapse or no? I'm feeling n0- My intent was to have dessert... And once I realized that this had changed to something else, I promptly stopped. No intoxication- No intent of escape, etc... But maybe I'm just rationalizing, cause I deperately do not want to lose my 6 months over a lousy dessert... But... Will be running this by some folks before I get my chip tomorrow night...

Anyway- Got to a meeting last night and saw a friend pick up his first chip. Yay!!! Have been praying for him...

6-14

Went with a friend to his NA meeting last night... Am grateful for the experience... And I'm sure AA is where I need to be.... One reminder for me, 'HALT':

• Hungry
• Angry
• Lonely
• Tired

Some easy triggers to fall into.... Was grateful to have heard this again.

6-12

Boy, I suck at keeping up with this blog... and that's.... okay.... Having decided I need some interesting graphics I googled "sober paris france" and this is what I got... somehow, it says it all...)

Let's see- Not an easy week.... Friday started some bullshit that I just couldn't shake all weekend... Basically, my friend let his resentments take control and we all suffered for it... Even though we talked it through and it even led to some positive action for him and his partenr, my serenity was severly shaken... I was depressed, battered.... And all but ready to throw in the towel... Thankfully someone in the program, who I have the utmost respect for, texted me bright and early. "You okay?" Syncronicity... "Nope. Going to a meeting." Went to said meeting- shared, really just to say I had, and admitted that I recognized that I was doing everything I'd heard them say they did before a relapse: isolating, depressed, tired, no calls, avoiding sponsor, less meetings... etc... I was even fantasizing about my relapse- If I relapsed now, I'd be able to drink in France next week... Anyway... The meeting embraced me. After arguing about which topic to use, I got some amazing ES&H... The burden was lifted. I was not feeling perfect, but through our discussion of acceptance, I felt sane again. A couple things came from this that I need to remember:

Acceptance is not agreement. Just because I accept that something is occuring, or that someone is acting or reacting a certain way, does not mean that I need to agree with it. This simple statement has given me growth in the area of handing over vs. door mat.

Further, another guy I've seen in quite a few meetings, and who I'd just met the week before at both of our first visits to a men's meeting, (Holy Run-on!!!)... shared a reading from page 417 of the big book:

• "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems. today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake..." A fucking men

Anyway- Friend leaving for Scotland tomorrow. I'm praying for him. I leave for Paris a week from Saturday, and sponsor has already headed to Asia... Seeing a trend here? Praying for us all... I feel strong in my program- Have been around some drinkers lately and grateful for my sobriety. Th fear comes from how quickly things can change. From moment to moment... But, that's how life works and I can accept that... That said, I did add international calling and texting to my phone for the week away. Can never be too careful!

My Last Drunk

January 31st, 2007

The boif and I met a couple friends at their house. I had a couple glasses of wine and we headed to another friend's New Year's Eve party. This party is an annual event: beautiful house, amazing decor, full bar, buffet... Very "A" list and one I've enjoyed, and looked forward to, very much.

Much of the night was spent around the buffet and in the kitchen... Socializing, gossiping about the other guests, as they gossiped about us... The four of us spent most of he time talking to each other, and two of us drank... and drank... and drank... The night gets hazier as it goes on... I do recall being accused of pouring liquor in my friend's wine glass... Which I didn't think I did... I now wonder if I was doing this to both of our glasses. I also remember getting irritated that someone was drinking my wine (surely I hadn't drank it all myself) and had to steal others'. I then remember someone starting the countdown to midnight... I won't get into this in detail, but the boif and I have been through an awful lot to get to the point where we could kiss in front of others, and it only happens on New Year's... So it was something I was looking forward to, very much... I remember counting down to thirteen... Then I was waking up on the couch with the boif asking me if I'd thrown up in the bathroom sink upstairs... I had, and vaguely remember it... I'd been drinking red wine all night... and apparently eating red food... I know because I was finding fragments of it around the sink for days...

I spent the next day laying on the couch, taking vicodin tabs to take the edge off my amazing headache. I felt humiliated, out of control, anxious, ill and thoroughly emotionally sick. I texted my two friends to find that they were having a similar conversation at their home. I remember feeling that something was different... That I was done... That my only point of comfort was that I would stop. There was no question and no second guessing this decision. There was remorse, and sadness, like deciding to break-up with someone.. but that small still voice telling me it would be okay, if I made this decision. I white knuckled it past the thirty day point, then found myself in an AA room. I've been there for about 120 days.

6-2-2008

My third step prayer:

"Please God remove these difficulties, that I may humbly do Thy will always."

5-31

This may be a dangerous statement, but I swear being around active drunks is exactly what I need. Have been fighting off some craves lately, nothing major, but I've had wine on the brain... so to speak... Went to a show tonight with a friend- She had 3/4 of a beer with dinner and nothing else. Bitch... I had a Sprite (with lemon... ) Went to the club to see groups of musicians who don't normally play together cover popular bands. Some familiar faces, either from past shows, or past AA meetings, but mostly just familiar expressions... Squinty eyed, bravado driven ugliness.... Of course there were the folks having a decent time, having a drink or two, but I barely noticed them (bitches)... It was the folks like me I saw... The ones that really, really don't need to have a drink. I'm grateful that they were there for me, as much as my sober drunk friends. It helps me to remember where I was... And where I could be tonight, but for the grace of God....

We only stayed an hour-My friend started feeling sick from the heat- That place was packed!!! We're simply not as young as we were... and that's okay. ;)

Asides- Formally chose a home group tonight. Got a lot of the homework I've fallen behind on done. Made some phone calls (caught some grief from the boif for one... Guess we'll get to resentments soon enough...) Hope to get some more done tomorrow, but between gym, 'church' and Sex and the City (woo-hoo!!!) it may not happen... and that, too, is okay....

5-19

Got to chair an online meeting last night, finally... Was fun, and left the meeting feeling very good about my program. My topic was "Step One: Complete Defeat." My biggest fear was that there would be no response to the topic, but, again, I was wrong. Seems like a lot of folks related to the "not yets".

5-10

Have been led more lately to find some service opportunities. This morning I signed up to help chair meetings at AAonline. I'm really looking forward to this opportunity as this was the first place I found myself. Maybe I'll see you there!

5-04-08

Couple things today, and just a sec to get them down:

1. H O W = Honesty, Open-mindedness, Willingness
2. Got a phone call Friday from a chonic relapser who is strugglin g with a lot of stuff, and seems to be making this program more complicated than it is. I supported the best I know how, and this came from a follow-up discussion with the sponsor:
• Hi A,
  My name is G and I'm an alcoholic. I've been exactly where you are
  today, and I want you to know that there IS a solution! Problem is, a
  lot of people are going to tell you to "just don't drink and go to more
  meetings." Problem is, if we could "just not drink", we wouldn't need to
  go to meetings. If we could "just not drink" we wouldn't be alcoholics!
  I was exactly where you are, but I've been sober and happy for a long
  time now, and I didn't get to where I am by just not drinking and going
  to meetings.
  
  I'm going to tell you a couple of things that you might not be hearing
  much, but they are SO important, I hope that you will read all of this
  letter.
  
  You said, in your post, that you are in the midst of this crazy
  insanity, and you really hit the nail on the head there. It IS insanity.
  An alcoholic is in the grips of a disease that robs us of our will,
  leaving us utterly defenseless against the first drink. Without the
  PROGRAM of Alcoholics Anonymous, we're basically doomed. You notice I
  capitalized the word program. The reason I did this, is because there is
  a distinct difference between the program of A.A., and the "fellowship"
  of A.A. The fellowship is the meetings, the potlucks, the B.S. sessions
  with other alcoholics. The PROGRAM is in the book. The problem is,
  people genuinely think that all we do in A.A. to stay sober is go to
  meetings. If you really want to get sober and stay that way, then you
  need something FAR more important than just going to meetings!
  
  You said you're reading your Big Book and drinking at the same time.
  Crazy, huh? But guess what? Just reading the book isn't going to keep
  you sober any more than going to a bunch of meetings.
  
  Here's why. The Big Book is a set of instructions. In the forward to the
  first edition it says, "...to show other alcoholics precisely how we
  have recovered is the main purpose of this book." OK. Got that? But
  here's the trick. In order to get precisely what they got, which is
  recovery from alcoholism, you can't just sit there and read about
  it...you have to DO precisely what they did!
  
  On the page with the twelve steps, it doesn't say, "These are the steps
  we read about", or "These are the steps we met and talked about". It
  says, These are the steps we TOOK. If you want recovery from alcohol,
  follow the directions in the book. Take the steps! Don't just read about
  them, or meet about them. Take them!
  
  OK. So here's the first question. Are you ready to quit for good and
  all, and are you willing to go to any length to recover? If the answer
  is yes, I'm going to tell you some things you might not be hearing in a
  lot of meetings. The reason you're not hearing a lot of what you need to
  do, is because many of these alcoholics don't fully comprehend the
  program as it was designed. They don't study the book, and they don't
  understand that this is a program of action, not a program of words.
  
  The next question is, how soon do you want to recover? The answer is, as
  fast as you can take the steps. You may hear things like, "take your
  time on the steps", or "Only take a step a month" or other nonsense like
  that. Read Bill's story and see if you can follow the timeline. He took
  the steps in about a week. Stayed sober his entire life after that. Dr.
  Bob...took the steps in a matter of days. So, I'm going to put some
  confusion to rest here. Be SOLID on the steps, but don't take your time.
  These steps are designed to be a sweeping event that results in an
  entire psychic change. These steps are the vessel which brings you in to
  conscious contact with your higher power and enables you recover.
  
  In the Doctor's Opinion, Dr. Silkworth states that this pattern of
  drinking, swearing off forever, and then drinking again "will be
  repeated over and over. And unless this person can experience an entire
  psychic change, there is very little hope of his recovery." So, he's
  saying, that unless we can experience an ENTIRE shift in our psyche, our
  fundamental way of thinking and behaving, we are going to continue this
  ugly cycle again, and again, and again. Unless we take the steps,
  designed specifically to bring about that psychic change, we are,
  essentially, doomed. We will keep going back out, over and over until
  we're locked up or dead.
  
  Grim opinion, but it's true.
  
  But in the very next sentence he says, "On the other hand—and
  strange as this may seem to those who do not understand—once a
  psychic change has occurred, the very same person who seemed doomed, who
  had so many problems he despaired of ever solving them, suddenly finds
  himself easily able to control his desire for alcohol, the only effort
  necessary being that required to follow a few simple rules."
  
  OK. Steps one through nine are designed to bring about that psychic
  change. Steps 10, 11 and 12 are the "few simple rules" we use as daily
  steps to maintain and grow our spiritual condition.
  
  I'm going to run through these for you so you see how simple this is.
  Step one is the recognition of the problem. The stone cold knowledge
  that alcohol has literally kicked your ass. Powerless means we have a
  disease. We don't process alcohol properly. Unmanageable means that we
  can't manage our most sincere decision to not pick up that next drink.
  
  Step two is the solution to our problem. Plain and simple, On page 47
  you'll find the instructions for step two. Second paragraph: "We needed
  to ask ourselves but one short question. 'Do I now believe, or am I even
  willing to believe, that there is a power greater than myself?'"
  
  Steps one and two are nothing more than deep, internal realizations.
  There isn't a sponsor on this planet that can look at you and tell you
  that you have now taken those two steps. You have to KNOW those things,
  deep down inside. Steps one and two are described under the A., B, and
  C. following the 12 steps on page 60. OK? Read (a), (b) and (c). Are you
  ABSOLUTELY clear on those three pertinent ideas? Yes? Well, if so, read
  what it says next.
  
  "Being convinced, we were at Step Three, which is that we decided to
  turn our will and our life over to the care of God as we understood
  Him."
  
  So, what step do you think you're on? If you're convinced of a, b and c,
  the book tells me you are on step three already! Did that take a couple
  of months? Probably not.
  
  OK, Step three sounds hard, but it isn't. It tells us just what they
  mean by that, and just what we're supposed to do. Read and understand
  page 60 up to the middle of 63. A couple of short pages describe exactly
  what that step is all about, and how to take it.
  
  Step one: the problem. Step two: realization of the solution to our
  problem. Step three: the decision to begin working toward that solution.
  
  OK. Well, if you're convinced of steps 1 and 2, and have made your step
  3 decision, you're already ready for step 4!
  
  Have you read anything in the book telling you to take your sweet time
  yet? Not likely.
  
  It says, on 64, "Though our decision (Step 3) was a vital and crucial
  step, it could have little permanent effect unless at once followed by a
  strenuous effort to face and be rid of the things in ourselves which had
  been blocking us."
  
  So we start on our inventory at once. Why? Because, in order to start
  fixing ourselves, we first have to learn what's broken, what can be
  repaired, and what needs to be cast out.
  
  So in Step 4, we go on a journey of discovery. We learn much about what
  has been holding us back. What needs to change. In Step 5, we go about
  the task of casting out the baggage that's been holding us back,
  starting out on fresh territory. Once we do our 5th step, if you follow
  the directions in the book precisely, we notice that we do steps 6 and 7
  the same night we do our 5th step! Don't believe me? Read page 75 and
  the top two paragraphs on 76. Believe me now?
  
  Then guess what it says...we already have Step 8 done! That's right.
  Read the third paragraph on 76. Tells us we already made the list when
  we listed our harms back in Step 4!
  
  So let's look at this again. One and 2: realizations. Three: Decision
  time. Step 4: Learn what's holding us back. Step 5: Cast that stuff out.
  Step 6: take an hour after step 5 to get ready to ask for step 7. Step
  7: ask. Step 8: Did it already. Step 9: begin to clear the wreckage
  from our past. 10, 11, and 12: Spiritual growth for a lifetime.
  
  OK, this was a long letter, but you are hurting, and it tears my heart
  out to see you getting advice that isn't designed to solve your problem.
  PLEASE, just do exactly what the book tells you to do. Get a sponsor who
  works out of the book. If he doesn't, get a new one who does. It's your
  LIFE...you are in control of your program. Demand a sponsor who
  guarantees he works strictly from the book. If you do that, you WILL
  recover.
  
  "Rarely have we seen a person fail who has thoroughly followed our
  path."
  
  Do the work. Get through the steps and recover! If you hear any advice
  you can't reconcile somewhere in the book, well, that's just some
  alcoholic's opinion. Might be good, might be bad. But an opinion,
  nonetheless. The program of recovery is clearly outlined. The
  instructions to recover span about 22 pages. If your sponsor doesn't
  know that, find one who does, because that's where the instructions he's
  supposed to be helping you follow are located. He'd better know where
  they are!
  
  And don't let the gay thing hamper your sponsor search. I live in one of
  the most redneck of the red states (north Idaho) and I've experienced
  nothing but kindness, tolerance and love from everyone in this program.
  Gay is irrelevant to them. They just want to help a fellow alcoholic end
  his suffering, Just like what I want for you.
  
  I hope you're still reading this. If you want to know what it's like to
  recover, read starting on the last paragraph on page 85 through the
  first two paragraphs on 86. Sound like something you want to experience?
  You will, if you do exactly what this book says, without reservation. It
  always happens to those who do.
  
  Take care, my friend. And remember, it's not the meetings we make, it's
  the steps we take!
  
  Love,

5-1

Topic today at summit: Resentments

Lots of discussion around the 4th step, which I've not yet started (and not looking forward to that one a bit>>>) but here's what I heard: our resentments easily manifest as frustration, rage, grouchiness... These are the trademarkls of an alky... These will deprive us of our happiness and eventually, our sobriety.

As I'm still working through step 3, I'll not get into my resentments here... But I will admit, the first one that popped to mind was Queef... That motherfucker's hurt a lot of people, and his name's just resurfaced after a nice, long break without him. The guidance I hear is to pray for him for two weeks... grrr.... For now, I pray that he gets nothing short of what he's due... Whatever that may be... At least this keep me from speculating on his intentions. Maybe he didn't mean to cause pain. I believe he did, but...

Sidenote: A guy in the meeting was driving me nuts... arrogant asshole, joking his way through, side talk, the whole bit... Sponsor told me, "if you spot it, you got it." I could stand to minimize my deflection through humor bit...

The Gardener

I know stress is tied to my sobriety and as such try my best to avoid it... One of the biggest stressors for me is my job... without going into too much detail, I teach teachers to work with difficult kids... In some ways, I am paid to be a control freak... I have to supervise assistants, supervise suggestions I've given to teachers, and look closely at how to change behaviors of the kids they work with.... I am trying my damndest to back off of being a controlling bastard, and feel that I've made some progress in this area... I also know, though, that I cannot back off too much in my profession, hence the stress...

Anyway, here is something that someone in the www.aaonline.net mentioned to me...

"...in a people business it's so much like gardening; we cultivate and give room for roots to grow... we prop them up so they don't fall over as they experience root expansion..."

So, maybe I need to look at my role more as a gardener than a dictator...

Why I don't drink...

The sponsor gave me some homework- Make a list of reasons I don't drink anymore. I did it, and now I have to redo it:

• one DUI = no job
• the night I told J I was in love with her...
• blackouts (new years was the last drunk... I don't remember it.)
• At the beach, and other times, I had meaningful conversations with close friends and I don't remember a thing I said.
• I was going to work, but only physically. Too many days I just made it through, hungover and miserable.
• I was stunted... emotionally and spiritually...
• lots of "not yets" that I cannot hit- jail, loss of job, etc...
• my memory was sucking, even when I wasn't drinking...
• drinking is not a hobby- there are better ways to spend my time.
• I was powerless- sometimes one rink was plenty, more often ten was not enough...
• the last time I played live drunk sucked... I screwed up, sounded like shit... blew it...
• I lied and cheated.... I don't remember stealing, but... anything's possible. I did not have the integrity I thought I had.
• Drinking had expanded into drugs as well, and I hadn't even realized it...
• there's got o be more to do on saturdays then laying on the couch taking vicodin...
  
• I want to experience and remember life...
  

That small still voice...

'God' is but a name
you've given me-
Concern yourself less with
how you address me
and more with how I call thee...

Less about what you say
or how you pray-
The steps you take
lead you on your way...