8-3

Interesting topic online this morning- Giving vs. Getting (or something like that...)

This is an area I struggle with- I feel like I do my part as far as service- I help out with online meetings, have chaired some f2f meetings... etc. and I love it- I really do- It brings me a sense of belonging, a sense of helping out, and some much neded humililty-

The problem is when I leave- When I get back in my head and the pride starts to build, and the feelings of not belonging, and being alone in a crowd, etc... Part of this, I think, is that I'm more aware of when it's occurring, and what it is, because of chipping away at my 4th step... So this is good, this is tough, but will lead to growth (when I start dealing with it appropriately... Part of it is also the underlying patterns that are becoming apparent: I spent my childhood largely outcast- I still make that connection.

Giving away my pride (telling on it, hiding it under a rock...) and retaining my humility maintains my serenity, connection with my hp, and increases my chances of sobriety- These are directly correlated and worth keeping an eye on...

Today- Feeling grateful, aware and connected- Residual bitterness about not being invited to an AA gathering last night (although I go to an amazing speaker meeting, hung with some great friends and had an overall great time....) but working towards getting beyond that- Humility- It's all about the humility... I'll get there...

8-2

"We surrender to win; we give away to keep;
we suffer to get well; we die to live."

Love the paradoxes in AA- Give to Get... From powerlessness to turning over will... etc...

How am I surrendering? Moment to moment I practice acceptance- 'Life on life's terms'... I don't rage when the font stays blue and bold, despite me changing it five times... I practice staying in the moment- I try to take the high road in conflict- I try (try!) to retain humility throughout my day... And In refuse to think too much about how/ why this works... Truth is- These things help me retain my serenity, which drastically minimizes my desire to drink today... It took me a long time to see and feel that connection-

Acceptance does not equal Agreement. (I accept that this font is blue and bold- I don't like it, and it's not what i want, but... I chose to live with it... )

NOW- No Other Way

Revving up for my 5th- Just a bit more to do on 4th, then heading to sponsor's house to "get cathartic with it..." Not excited about it right now, but have moments of trully looking forward to it- which tells me I'm letting go- Riding on faith- Faith in God, Sponsor, Program and myself.... I've been keeping some of this stuff to myself for a very long time- It will be nice to get rid of it... I deserve that.

8pm meeting tonight, followed by heading down to see ETI play- B's first show sober- Want to support that....

7-29

Whew- A rough few days. Really lost it Saturday, but thankfully had sponsor at the ready to help me walk through it all... 'This too shall pass...' works for a while, but after two weeks of riding the 'bipolar roller coaster' I was beginning to wonder... The fact that I had to hang at a bar all night didn't help, but was not the trigger... The triggers were a series of events that made me feel very very angry, lonely and tired... sister, boif, friends.... felt very isolated and, in the end, fed up... (Focus on the solution:) Helped to talk with sponsor, change the scenery, get out of head for a while (talked to a recent relapser on the way home who is struggling much more than I realized...) got away from my ego and prayed...



This morning I was reminded again of the 'morning prayer' from page 86 of the BB:

God direct my thinking today so that it be divorced of self pity, dishonesty, self-will, self-seeking and fear. God inspire my thinking, decisions and intuitions. Help me to relax and take it easy. Free me from doubt and indecision. Guide me through this day and show me my next step. God give me what I need to take care of any problems. I ask all these things that I may be of maximum service to you and my fellow man in the name of the Steps I pray. AMEN

I like that- All step prayers laid out here.

7-24

Welp.... Guess I needed a little break there :)

Had a friend come back into the rooms- He was on for about 18 months, then out for 6, in for less than a week, and, apparently, has proudly left the rooms... It has zero impact on me, really, but just amazes me... He didn't even fight to stay sober, as far as I can tell, but who knows... Maybe it's just not his time... Can't help but hold myself up to him in comparison... sometimes feel like I don't belong, even now... I continue to fall back on the fact that I feel tons better now than I did before coming into the rooms, and I have very little REAL desire to drink (... romanticizing aside...) When I do feel like throwing it in, I just don't... I mean, I would have to make a conscious and deliberate decision to have a drink... They don;t give them out for free... And my arm has to get it to my mouth... I just don't get it, and I guess I don't have to, except to understand it enough to avoid it occurring.... This is a spiritual situation, in that my connection to God determines how serene I am- How far I am from that drink... When I lose that connection and serenity, as sometimes happens, I just can;t drink... That's all... That's what white knuckling it means... I white knuckle it until I can gain back even the smallest glimmer of God....

I truly am not putting myself up, or him down... I feel bad for the guy, but it's his business alone.... For ME, and only me: If I don't have a drink, I cannot lose my sobriety. Period. (He blamed his relapse on Ego- Reminder: EGO = Easing God Out)

Anyway- Things going well... Somehow mowing the lawn at the Quaker meetinghouse yesterday was exactly what I needed in terms of serenity, service and humility... I loved it- It kicked my ass, it was a beautiful day to ride in circles.... I look forward to doing this again-While not of service to AA directly, it was, no doubt, of service, and felt as such... I feel like I really helped someone out, did a good job, did it without a reminder or prompting, and feel absolutely no need for praise. Good day.



(sorry bout the pic, couldn't resist... specially since I stole it from a church's website... hehe... da-rool...))

7-17

Got an online message from a facilitator (R) in the aaonline.net site asking if I'd show him a meeting in Greensboro someday, and today ended up being that day. We met at FC and shared coffee afterwards... What a cool opportunity- this guy has helped do a lot in terms of bringing this website to the attn. of AA and, as it turns out, getting it approved and linked from the AA.org site. That only took 8 years... Anyway, the real miracle was that a guy I used to drink with (D), and whom hit an awful bottom 1.5 to 2 years ago, showed up in the meeting. After his 'incident' he wasn't heard from much, and no one really reached out either. On one hand I felt bad about that, on the other he was more a frined of the folks I was hanging with than myself, and on the third hand (?) he maybe was our vision of an alcoholic/ problem drinker and made us feel okay.

Anyway- I'm grateful that I got to meet this new friend, and to have reconnected with an older friend. The boif and I had dinner out tonight (after the gym... pojnt?) and had a nice discussion which briefly touched on my sobriety- He asked if it would bother me if he had a drink sometime, and I said probably not. I asked if he thought he'd seen changes in me, and he had not... Oh well... I have... But I'm not sure he was too effected by my drinking before... As he pointed out- A lot of it happened with other people, and a lot happened while he was in bed or up at his computer (speaking of addiction! cough cough...) I simply said that he may have seen it more than he realized, gave some examples, told a few drunken stories he wasn't aware of, and then proceeded to join him in taking some of my active friends' inventories. Good times....

Today's topic was tolerance, and heard some good E,S & H around maintaining our serenity and spiritual connection in dealing with difficult people.

7-10

Phrase I'd not heard before: Toxic Shame

I've long held in thoughts/ regrets that cause me shame... I'm grateful that I am now on a path to b able to (hopefully) let go of those....

Chaired a meeting for the first time Tuesday night- Good feeling to b of assistance, a bit nerve wracking to chair for one's peers, but I will certainly have opportunities to practice...

Have been feeling "alone in a crowd" a lot lately... Leading me to be grumpy and kinda miserable to be around... I hate it, but not sure what to do about it... Thought I had it kicked but it showed itself again last night... Old habits die hard I guess....

Quaker yearly meeting his week.. slept for shit last night, so I let myself sleep in to try to catch up... Missed one session I kind of wanted to attend this morning, but no biggy... Will get over there later...

7-8