Wednesday, February 27, 2008

This has been an amazing roller coaster of emotions, this sobriety bag...

Last night started out sucking, big time... Mom's sick... Partner's being a dick... Work is stressing me the fuck out... And all this leads me to question my sobriety and wonder why the fuck I'm bothering... Was I really that bad? Was life 'unmanageable'?

Anyway... Went to beginner's meeting at 6:30... Very small group... Some beginners, some old hats... Met a cool (and attractive, I might mention) guy who kind of cornered me a bit before and after the meeting, ending with getting my number... The rest of the meeting pissed me off... Folks did not know how to stay on topic and could not resist cross-talking.. grrrr.... my anxiety built over the span of an hour... This is the first meeting I did not share in, and I really just white knucled it to the end... I left feeling like I did not belong... These folks had DUI's, jail time, rehab to detox them of gallons and gallons of liquor... this is not me... Shit, I rarely drank liquor at all... They pissed me off, and I was pissed off that I had come... I left wanting a drink more than I did when I'd gotten there... The guy leading this mess encouraged me to stay for the 8 o'clock, as the 'inmates' would be coming in shortly... I got the fuck out of there...

My Tuesday night meetig is a gay group downtown... I could not get to the church as the road had been closed for utility work... anxiety growing... Irony #1: The only place to park? Yes, of course, the bar across the busy street...

Anyway, after the misery of tolerating these fucked up people making a mess of the first meeting I ran into the second irony: The topic at the second meeting was letting go... We shared about being control freaks.... too funny... I shared, and vented, and had diarrhea of the mouth for about ten minutes....

After I left I called mom to talk... She knows I'm comingto meetings, I think I did an okay job explaining why I was going ( she was surprised, not realizing it had become a problem...)

I had a brilliant day today.... Felling very good... The partner's still disconnected and all but my roomate (and I still love him, goddammit) .. work's still as stressful as yesterday.... those beginners still don't know how to meet... But right now I feel like I'm on the right path... I'm handing it over and not worrying any more than I need to.....

Eating brilliant chocolate, drinking some killer tea, and got a live WILCO stream playing (9:30 club in DC...) Live's okay... :)

Saturday, February 23, 2008

That small still voice...

'God' is but a name
you've given me-
Concern yourself less with
how you address me
and more with how I call thee...

Less about what you say
or how you pray-
The steps you take
lead you on your way...

Friday, February 15, 2008


Are you too locked into
what you know to be true-
Are you unable to see all the strange and
fascinating that surrounds you?

Time for a mental road trip-
Take time out from easy answers.
Just for the sake of living-
put aside yourself for a bit.

It's so easy to feel important
when you're the only one around.
It's so easy to listen
when you're the only sound.