The Gardener

I know stress is tied to my sobriety and as such try my best to avoid it... One of the biggest stressors for me is my job... without going into too much detail, I teach teachers to work with difficult kids... In some ways, I am paid to be a control freak... I have to supervise assistants, supervise suggestions I've given to teachers, and look closely at how to change behaviors of the kids they work with.... I am trying my damndest to back off of being a controlling bastard, and feel that I've made some progress in this area... I also know, though, that I cannot back off too much in my profession, hence the stress...

Anyway, here is something that someone in the www.aaonline.net mentioned to me...

"...in a people business it's so much like gardening; we cultivate and give room for roots to grow... we prop them up so they don't fall over as they experience root expansion..."

So, maybe I need to look at my role more as a gardener than a dictator...

Why I don't drink...

The sponsor gave me some homework- Make a list of reasons I don't drink anymore. I did it, and now I have to redo it:

• one DUI = no job
• the night I told J I was in love with her...
• blackouts (new years was the last drunk... I don't remember it.)
• At the beach, and other times, I had meaningful conversations with close friends and I don't remember a thing I said.
• I was going to work, but only physically. Too many days I just made it through, hungover and miserable.
• I was stunted... emotionally and spiritually...
• lots of "not yets" that I cannot hit- jail, loss of job, etc...
• my memory was sucking, even when I wasn't drinking...
• drinking is not a hobby- there are better ways to spend my time.
• I was powerless- sometimes one rink was plenty, more often ten was not enough...
• the last time I played live drunk sucked... I screwed up, sounded like shit... blew it...
• I lied and cheated.... I don't remember stealing, but... anything's possible. I did not have the integrity I thought I had.
• Drinking had expanded into drugs as well, and I hadn't even realized it...
• there's got o be more to do on saturdays then laying on the couch taking vicodin...
  
• I want to experience and remember life...
  

This has been an amazing roller coaster of emotions, this sobriety bag...

Last night started out sucking, big time... Mom's sick... Partner's being a dick... Work is stressing me the fuck out... And all this leads me to question my sobriety and wonder why the fuck I'm bothering... Was I really that bad? Was life 'unmanageable'?

Anyway... Went to beginner's meeting at 6:30... Very small group... Some beginners, some old hats... Met a cool (and attractive, I might mention) guy who kind of cornered me a bit before and after the meeting, ending with getting my number... The rest of the meeting pissed me off... Folks did not know how to stay on topic and could not resist cross-talking.. grrrr.... my anxiety built over the span of an hour... This is the first meeting I did not share in, and I really just white knucled it to the end... I left feeling like I did not belong... These folks had DUI's, jail time, rehab to detox them of gallons and gallons of liquor... this is not me... Shit, I rarely drank liquor at all... They pissed me off, and I was pissed off that I had come... I left wanting a drink more than I did when I'd gotten there... The guy leading this mess encouraged me to stay for the 8 o'clock, as the 'inmates' would be coming in shortly... I got the fuck out of there...

My Tuesday night meetig is a gay group downtown... I could not get to the church as the road had been closed for utility work... anxiety growing... Irony #1: The only place to park? Yes, of course, the bar across the busy street...

Anyway, after the misery of tolerating these fucked up people making a mess of the first meeting I ran into the second irony: The topic at the second meeting was letting go... We shared about being control freaks.... too funny... I shared, and vented, and had diarrhea of the mouth for about ten minutes....

After I left I called mom to talk... She knows I'm comingto meetings, I think I did an okay job explaining why I was going ( she was surprised, not realizing it had become a problem...)

I had a brilliant day today.... Felling very good... The partner's still disconnected and all but my roomate (and I still love him, goddammit) .. work's still as stressful as yesterday.... those beginners still don't know how to meet... But right now I feel like I'm on the right path... I'm handing it over and not worrying any more than I need to.....

Eating brilliant chocolate, drinking some killer tea, and got a live WILCO stream playing (9:30 club in DC...) Live's okay... :)