My Last Drunk

January 31st, 2007

The boif and I met a couple friends at their house. I had a couple glasses of wine and we headed to another friend's New Year's Eve party. This party is an annual event: beautiful house, amazing decor, full bar, buffet... Very "A" list and one I've enjoyed, and looked forward to, very much.

Much of the night was spent around the buffet and in the kitchen... Socializing, gossiping about the other guests, as they gossiped about us... The four of us spent most of he time talking to each other, and two of us drank... and drank... and drank... The night gets hazier as it goes on... I do recall being accused of pouring liquor in my friend's wine glass... Which I didn't think I did... I now wonder if I was doing this to both of our glasses. I also remember getting irritated that someone was drinking my wine (surely I hadn't drank it all myself) and had to steal others'. I then remember someone starting the countdown to midnight... I won't get into this in detail, but the boif and I have been through an awful lot to get to the point where we could kiss in front of others, and it only happens on New Year's... So it was something I was looking forward to, very much... I remember counting down to thirteen... Then I was waking up on the couch with the boif asking me if I'd thrown up in the bathroom sink upstairs... I had, and vaguely remember it... I'd been drinking red wine all night... and apparently eating red food... I know because I was finding fragments of it around the sink for days...

I spent the next day laying on the couch, taking vicodin tabs to take the edge off my amazing headache. I felt humiliated, out of control, anxious, ill and thoroughly emotionally sick. I texted my two friends to find that they were having a similar conversation at their home. I remember feeling that something was different... That I was done... That my only point of comfort was that I would stop. There was no question and no second guessing this decision. There was remorse, and sadness, like deciding to break-up with someone.. but that small still voice telling me it would be okay, if I made this decision. I white knuckled it past the thirty day point, then found myself in an AA room. I've been there for about 120 days.

5-31

This may be a dangerous statement, but I swear being around active drunks is exactly what I need. Have been fighting off some craves lately, nothing major, but I've had wine on the brain... so to speak... Went to a show tonight with a friend- She had 3/4 of a beer with dinner and nothing else. Bitch... I had a Sprite (with lemon... ) Went to the club to see groups of musicians who don't normally play together cover popular bands. Some familiar faces, either from past shows, or past AA meetings, but mostly just familiar expressions... Squinty eyed, bravado driven ugliness.... Of course there were the folks having a decent time, having a drink or two, but I barely noticed them (bitches)... It was the folks like me I saw... The ones that really, really don't need to have a drink. I'm grateful that they were there for me, as much as my sober drunk friends. It helps me to remember where I was... And where I could be tonight, but for the grace of God....

We only stayed an hour-My friend started feeling sick from the heat- That place was packed!!! We're simply not as young as we were... and that's okay. ;)

Asides- Formally chose a home group tonight. Got a lot of the homework I've fallen behind on done. Made some phone calls (caught some grief from the boif for one... Guess we'll get to resentments soon enough...) Hope to get some more done tomorrow, but between gym, 'church' and Sex and the City (woo-hoo!!!) it may not happen... and that, too, is okay....

5-19

Got to chair an online meeting last night, finally... Was fun, and left the meeting feeling very good about my program. My topic was "Step One: Complete Defeat." My biggest fear was that there would be no response to the topic, but, again, I was wrong. Seems like a lot of folks related to the "not yets".

Why I don't drink...

The sponsor gave me some homework- Make a list of reasons I don't drink anymore. I did it, and now I have to redo it:

• one DUI = no job
• the night I told J I was in love with her...
• blackouts (new years was the last drunk... I don't remember it.)
• At the beach, and other times, I had meaningful conversations with close friends and I don't remember a thing I said.
• I was going to work, but only physically. Too many days I just made it through, hungover and miserable.
• I was stunted... emotionally and spiritually...
• lots of "not yets" that I cannot hit- jail, loss of job, etc...
• my memory was sucking, even when I wasn't drinking...
• drinking is not a hobby- there are better ways to spend my time.
• I was powerless- sometimes one rink was plenty, more often ten was not enough...
• the last time I played live drunk sucked... I screwed up, sounded like shit... blew it...
• I lied and cheated.... I don't remember stealing, but... anything's possible. I did not have the integrity I thought I had.
• Drinking had expanded into drugs as well, and I hadn't even realized it...
• there's got o be more to do on saturdays then laying on the couch taking vicodin...
  
• I want to experience and remember life...
  

This has been an amazing roller coaster of emotions, this sobriety bag...

Last night started out sucking, big time... Mom's sick... Partner's being a dick... Work is stressing me the fuck out... And all this leads me to question my sobriety and wonder why the fuck I'm bothering... Was I really that bad? Was life 'unmanageable'?

Anyway... Went to beginner's meeting at 6:30... Very small group... Some beginners, some old hats... Met a cool (and attractive, I might mention) guy who kind of cornered me a bit before and after the meeting, ending with getting my number... The rest of the meeting pissed me off... Folks did not know how to stay on topic and could not resist cross-talking.. grrrr.... my anxiety built over the span of an hour... This is the first meeting I did not share in, and I really just white knucled it to the end... I left feeling like I did not belong... These folks had DUI's, jail time, rehab to detox them of gallons and gallons of liquor... this is not me... Shit, I rarely drank liquor at all... They pissed me off, and I was pissed off that I had come... I left wanting a drink more than I did when I'd gotten there... The guy leading this mess encouraged me to stay for the 8 o'clock, as the 'inmates' would be coming in shortly... I got the fuck out of there...

My Tuesday night meetig is a gay group downtown... I could not get to the church as the road had been closed for utility work... anxiety growing... Irony #1: The only place to park? Yes, of course, the bar across the busy street...

Anyway, after the misery of tolerating these fucked up people making a mess of the first meeting I ran into the second irony: The topic at the second meeting was letting go... We shared about being control freaks.... too funny... I shared, and vented, and had diarrhea of the mouth for about ten minutes....

After I left I called mom to talk... She knows I'm comingto meetings, I think I did an okay job explaining why I was going ( she was surprised, not realizing it had become a problem...)

I had a brilliant day today.... Felling very good... The partner's still disconnected and all but my roomate (and I still love him, goddammit) .. work's still as stressful as yesterday.... those beginners still don't know how to meet... But right now I feel like I'm on the right path... I'm handing it over and not worrying any more than I need to.....

Eating brilliant chocolate, drinking some killer tea, and got a live WILCO stream playing (9:30 club in DC...) Live's okay... :)