10-1-08

9 Months!

Heard something today, which I've probably heard a thousand times before, but... Seems like my head's in the right place now to take it in- The Serenity Prayer- Is about you, me and God...

"God, grant me the serenity to accept the things which I cannot change..." That's you.
"... The courage to change the things I can..." All I can change is me.
"...and the wisdom to know the difference..." depends on my connection with God.

That's brilliant!!! Jimmy B.- Ya gotta love him-

In addition, I picked up my 9 month chip at Lunch With Bill this afternoon and was amazed with JJ's performance... This man grates me... badly... I've only had to call my sponsor after two meetings, but he's been at the root both times. Today, maybe it was me, maybe it was him... I don't know... But he gave the most honest and heartfelt share I've ever heard from him. He spoke about self-deception and how in played out when his son died... And when a newcomer forgot to introduce herself, HE DID NOT REPRIMAND HER!!!! Amen... ;) Today has been a 'Pink Cloud Revisited" kind of a day...

Good stuff... ;)

7-1

6 Months-

• I do plan on picking up my 6th month chip tonight... Upon further reflection an discussion, 'the dessert incident' is about intent. I knew what I was ordering, but my intent was to eat dessert. When I realized that my intent was changing, and that this was a potentially dangerous situation, I stopped.

• Am on summer break and have set up a schedule for myself to minimize down-time, which has been problematic in the past. I'm giving myself a lot of flexibility in parts... but looks something like:

• 7-8 wake, walk dog, breakfast.
• Depending on time, morning meeting then coffee shop, or off to coffee shop.
• ?-11ish- coffee, blog, step-work, web surf (sans porn)...
• bring lunch to townhouse, eat
• 12:? -2- work on cleaning out townhouse
• 2-4 free time (pool, T.V., more web surf... with porn...)
• afternoon- gym, nap, band practice... day dependent..
• Celebrated my 6th month with my first early bird meeting. Good stuff, and packed.
• Topic: sponsors...
• side bar: two old-timers brought up the damned last name thing again. Not sure why that's such an issue for them, but the more they talk about it, the less I want to bring my last name into things. Battle of the control freaks I guess....
• My share: When I'm purposefully not doing what my sponsor suggests I'm doing a few things-
• Trying to gain a sense of control.
• Distancing myself from God.
• Trying to pick up an excuse to get drunk.

Overall- Good day. Excited about helping to chair tonight.

6-12

Boy, I suck at keeping up with this blog... and that's.... okay.... Having decided I need some interesting graphics I googled "sober paris france" and this is what I got... somehow, it says it all...)

Let's see- Not an easy week.... Friday started some bullshit that I just couldn't shake all weekend... Basically, my friend let his resentments take control and we all suffered for it... Even though we talked it through and it even led to some positive action for him and his partenr, my serenity was severly shaken... I was depressed, battered.... And all but ready to throw in the towel... Thankfully someone in the program, who I have the utmost respect for, texted me bright and early. "You okay?" Syncronicity... "Nope. Going to a meeting." Went to said meeting- shared, really just to say I had, and admitted that I recognized that I was doing everything I'd heard them say they did before a relapse: isolating, depressed, tired, no calls, avoiding sponsor, less meetings... etc... I was even fantasizing about my relapse- If I relapsed now, I'd be able to drink in France next week... Anyway... The meeting embraced me. After arguing about which topic to use, I got some amazing ES&H... The burden was lifted. I was not feeling perfect, but through our discussion of acceptance, I felt sane again. A couple things came from this that I need to remember:

Acceptance is not agreement. Just because I accept that something is occuring, or that someone is acting or reacting a certain way, does not mean that I need to agree with it. This simple statement has given me growth in the area of handing over vs. door mat.

Further, another guy I've seen in quite a few meetings, and who I'd just met the week before at both of our first visits to a men's meeting, (Holy Run-on!!!)... shared a reading from page 417 of the big book:

• "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems. today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake..." A fucking men

Anyway- Friend leaving for Scotland tomorrow. I'm praying for him. I leave for Paris a week from Saturday, and sponsor has already headed to Asia... Seeing a trend here? Praying for us all... I feel strong in my program- Have been around some drinkers lately and grateful for my sobriety. Th fear comes from how quickly things can change. From moment to moment... But, that's how life works and I can accept that... That said, I did add international calling and texting to my phone for the week away. Can never be too careful!

5-15

Here is the text of my part of this morning's online meeting. What a way to start the day!

Hi- I'm *** I'm an alcoholic

ty for a wonderful topic. one that has been surfacing quite a bi in meetings lately. I'm grateful for that.

I'm onna list some stuff I'm hearing here, please don't think I'm crosstalking, or talking directly at anyone. here's my experience.

"Humble yourself in sight of God..."

"forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass againat us..."

I found myself in my abusers...

"humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings..."

My sober date was Jan. 1 2008

so I'm admittedly new to this... and have not yet worked my 4th step....

that said- I've not yet heard/ read anywhere that I need to forgive myself...

Thbis is my understanding thus far-

My job is to receive God's grace....

that is, the forgoveness and love of The God of my understanding....

In doing this, I can better forgive those who trespass, or misstep, against me....

and see God in them....

I don;t factor into this....

It's just not my job, or my place to forgive myself....

If I can find myself, my trespasses, in my 'abusers'..... I am practicing all parts of this principle....

and cannot help but ot feel better about who I am ... today....

My past has passed...

and there it goes again....

All I can do is let go of resentments, let God in, in all aspects of my life, and no drink. That's all I know to do.

God has forgiven me.... Hek, God forgave me before it happened!

If I trully acceot that grace, there is no need to forgive myself... am I above God?!

God has done for me hat which I could not do myself....

God has forgiven me where I could never begin to forogive myself....

God has done for me that which I could not do myself.....

I am immensly grateful for this program.... It took AA ....

ty GA





Add-on comment: "There is being sorry, and there is not doing it again. No doing it again is the repentance."

5-1

Topic today at summit: Resentments

Lots of discussion around the 4th step, which I've not yet started (and not looking forward to that one a bit>>>) but here's what I heard: our resentments easily manifest as frustration, rage, grouchiness... These are the trademarkls of an alky... These will deprive us of our happiness and eventually, our sobriety.

As I'm still working through step 3, I'll not get into my resentments here... But I will admit, the first one that popped to mind was Queef... That motherfucker's hurt a lot of people, and his name's just resurfaced after a nice, long break without him. The guidance I hear is to pray for him for two weeks... grrr.... For now, I pray that he gets nothing short of what he's due... Whatever that may be... At least this keep me from speculating on his intentions. Maybe he didn't mean to cause pain. I believe he did, but...

Sidenote: A guy in the meeting was driving me nuts... arrogant asshole, joking his way through, side talk, the whole bit... Sponsor told me, "if you spot it, you got it." I could stand to minimize my deflection through humor bit...