6-30

Been out of town for a bit and fallen behind on stuff... Update:

Did not attend a meeting while gone- Should have... Will save you the excuses...

Came home still sober- although, after a comment from someone last night at a f2f, wondering if I can still pick up my 6 month chip tomorrow. I think I can, but want to do so with a clean conscience. So, here's what happened:

• Went to dinner with friends- They were drinking, of course... Me and the boif were not- Trully, traveling dehydrates me so badly, I was savoring my water... Was feeling a bit isoltaed and craving a drink, but no biggy... Ordered a dessert "Rum baba" which I expected to be like the rum cakes of my youth- my mom would get them for me at Christmas. Rum taste, but nowhere near intoxicating or 'dangerous.' Well, this dessert came, looked to be a pastry/ cake with some type of syrup and whipped cream. I took a bite and realized this was simple sponge cake sitting in pure rum... I felt silly for having ordered it, and didn't want to make a stink (lose face) in front of my drinking friends- So I took a second bite, from the top- not soaking in rum... But this part was also soaked through. I felt guilty, and realized this dessert had taken a turn... I put my fork down and didn't have any more. So- slip or no? Relapse or no? I'm feeling n0- My intent was to have dessert... And once I realized that this had changed to something else, I promptly stopped. No intoxication- No intent of escape, etc... But maybe I'm just rationalizing, cause I deperately do not want to lose my 6 months over a lousy dessert... But... Will be running this by some folks before I get my chip tomorrow night...

Anyway- Got to a meeting last night and saw a friend pick up his first chip. Yay!!! Have been praying for him...

6-20

Love this picture... Think highly of themselves don't they?

Anyway- Heading to Paris tomorrow. Excited. Not allowing myself to worry... ODAAT, even overseas. Bringing the laptop, against the protests of the boif, to be able to check for meetings, do online meetings, etc... Have info. about a meeting, but since details vary depending on which night I go...

Anyway- Will be good times- Focusing on my serenity (packing for two turns out to be a bit stressful). Not only my first sober trip, but our first 'big' trip together. Progress...

au revoir!

6-18

The Serenity Prayer

GOD, grant me the serenity
to accept the things
I cannot change,
Courage to change the
things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.

Living ONE DAY AT A TIME;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardship as the
pathway to peace.

Taking, as He did, this
sinful world as it is,
not as I would have it.

Trusting that He will make
all things right if I
surrender to His Will;

That I may be reasonably happy
in this life, and supremely
happy with Him forever in
the next.

6-14

Went with a friend to his NA meeting last night... Am grateful for the experience... And I'm sure AA is where I need to be.... One reminder for me, 'HALT':

• Hungry
• Angry
• Lonely
• Tired

Some easy triggers to fall into.... Was grateful to have heard this again.

6-12

Boy, I suck at keeping up with this blog... and that's.... okay.... Having decided I need some interesting graphics I googled "sober paris france" and this is what I got... somehow, it says it all...)

Let's see- Not an easy week.... Friday started some bullshit that I just couldn't shake all weekend... Basically, my friend let his resentments take control and we all suffered for it... Even though we talked it through and it even led to some positive action for him and his partenr, my serenity was severly shaken... I was depressed, battered.... And all but ready to throw in the towel... Thankfully someone in the program, who I have the utmost respect for, texted me bright and early. "You okay?" Syncronicity... "Nope. Going to a meeting." Went to said meeting- shared, really just to say I had, and admitted that I recognized that I was doing everything I'd heard them say they did before a relapse: isolating, depressed, tired, no calls, avoiding sponsor, less meetings... etc... I was even fantasizing about my relapse- If I relapsed now, I'd be able to drink in France next week... Anyway... The meeting embraced me. After arguing about which topic to use, I got some amazing ES&H... The burden was lifted. I was not feeling perfect, but through our discussion of acceptance, I felt sane again. A couple things came from this that I need to remember:

Acceptance is not agreement. Just because I accept that something is occuring, or that someone is acting or reacting a certain way, does not mean that I need to agree with it. This simple statement has given me growth in the area of handing over vs. door mat.

Further, another guy I've seen in quite a few meetings, and who I'd just met the week before at both of our first visits to a men's meeting, (Holy Run-on!!!)... shared a reading from page 417 of the big book:

• "And acceptance is the answer to all my problems. today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation---some fact of my life---unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake..." A fucking men

Anyway- Friend leaving for Scotland tomorrow. I'm praying for him. I leave for Paris a week from Saturday, and sponsor has already headed to Asia... Seeing a trend here? Praying for us all... I feel strong in my program- Have been around some drinkers lately and grateful for my sobriety. Th fear comes from how quickly things can change. From moment to moment... But, that's how life works and I can accept that... That said, I did add international calling and texting to my phone for the week away. Can never be too careful!

6-5-08

Am beginning my 4th step (printed out the forms today) and all I can list right now, under fears, is my fear of sharing these facts with someone else. Fear of hearing some things that have lived only in my head for many many years. I move forward in faith....

My Last Drunk

January 31st, 2007

The boif and I met a couple friends at their house. I had a couple glasses of wine and we headed to another friend's New Year's Eve party. This party is an annual event: beautiful house, amazing decor, full bar, buffet... Very "A" list and one I've enjoyed, and looked forward to, very much.

Much of the night was spent around the buffet and in the kitchen... Socializing, gossiping about the other guests, as they gossiped about us... The four of us spent most of he time talking to each other, and two of us drank... and drank... and drank... The night gets hazier as it goes on... I do recall being accused of pouring liquor in my friend's wine glass... Which I didn't think I did... I now wonder if I was doing this to both of our glasses. I also remember getting irritated that someone was drinking my wine (surely I hadn't drank it all myself) and had to steal others'. I then remember someone starting the countdown to midnight... I won't get into this in detail, but the boif and I have been through an awful lot to get to the point where we could kiss in front of others, and it only happens on New Year's... So it was something I was looking forward to, very much... I remember counting down to thirteen... Then I was waking up on the couch with the boif asking me if I'd thrown up in the bathroom sink upstairs... I had, and vaguely remember it... I'd been drinking red wine all night... and apparently eating red food... I know because I was finding fragments of it around the sink for days...

I spent the next day laying on the couch, taking vicodin tabs to take the edge off my amazing headache. I felt humiliated, out of control, anxious, ill and thoroughly emotionally sick. I texted my two friends to find that they were having a similar conversation at their home. I remember feeling that something was different... That I was done... That my only point of comfort was that I would stop. There was no question and no second guessing this decision. There was remorse, and sadness, like deciding to break-up with someone.. but that small still voice telling me it would be okay, if I made this decision. I white knuckled it past the thirty day point, then found myself in an AA room. I've been there for about 120 days.

6-2-2008

My third step prayer:

"Please God remove these difficulties, that I may humbly do Thy will always."

5-31

This may be a dangerous statement, but I swear being around active drunks is exactly what I need. Have been fighting off some craves lately, nothing major, but I've had wine on the brain... so to speak... Went to a show tonight with a friend- She had 3/4 of a beer with dinner and nothing else. Bitch... I had a Sprite (with lemon... ) Went to the club to see groups of musicians who don't normally play together cover popular bands. Some familiar faces, either from past shows, or past AA meetings, but mostly just familiar expressions... Squinty eyed, bravado driven ugliness.... Of course there were the folks having a decent time, having a drink or two, but I barely noticed them (bitches)... It was the folks like me I saw... The ones that really, really don't need to have a drink. I'm grateful that they were there for me, as much as my sober drunk friends. It helps me to remember where I was... And where I could be tonight, but for the grace of God....

We only stayed an hour-My friend started feeling sick from the heat- That place was packed!!! We're simply not as young as we were... and that's okay. ;)

Asides- Formally chose a home group tonight. Got a lot of the homework I've fallen behind on done. Made some phone calls (caught some grief from the boif for one... Guess we'll get to resentments soon enough...) Hope to get some more done tomorrow, but between gym, 'church' and Sex and the City (woo-hoo!!!) it may not happen... and that, too, is okay....