8-21

hmmm... not a lot to report, and that's.... okay...

Helped again with the Monday meeting at the treatment/ detox/ mental health center... I love doing that. Was admittedly tough dragging my tired rear over there, but feels like good service and also good practice in telling and reflecting on my 'story.' Moight not be every Monday, but I want to continue with that. Also talked with F a bit afterwards- I've noticed him at a lot of meetings, he always has some good stuff to share, and was astounded to hear how similar our stories are- Although he's got the 'crash and burn' factor that my story is (thankfully) missing...

Have not been to a meeting since Monday night, so men's meeting may be a good thing this evening... 233 days you say?! no way....

8-15-08

I ran into this quote from George Fox which was emailed to me early in sobriety by a F/friend:

"X. (10) To Friends, to stand still in trouble, and see the strength of the Lord

Friends,Whatever ye are addicted to, the tempter will come in that thing; and when he can trouble you, then he gets advantage over you, and then ye are gone. Stand still in that which is pure, after ye see yourselves; and then mercy comes in. After thou seest thy thoughts, and the temptations, do not think, but submit; and then power comes. Stand still in that which shows and discovers; and there doth strength immediately come. And stand still in the light, and submit
to it, and the other will be hushed and gone; and then content comes. And when temptations and troubles appear, sink down in that which is pure, and all will be hushed, and fly away. Your strength is to stand still, after ye see yourselves; whatsoever ye see yourselves addicted to, temptations, corruption, uncleanness, etc., then ye think ye shall never overcome. And earthly reason will tell you, what ye shall lose; hearken not to that, but stand still in the light that shows them to you, and then strength comes from the Lord, and help contrary to your expectation. Then ye grow up in peace, and no trouble shall move you. David fretted himself, when he looked out; but when he was still, no trouble could move him. When your thoughts are out, abroad, then troubles move you. But come to stay your minds upon that spirit which was before the letter;
here ye learn to read the scriptures aright. If ye do any thing in your own wills, then ye tempt God; but stand still in that power which brings peace."

8-10-08

Doing my fifth step tomorrow- Nervous, but not nearly as bad as I was a month or so ago... Seems a lot of people have been discussing the 5th lately (funny how that happens- Once you have something on your mind, it shows up everywhere!) Looking forward to getting some of this "take it to the grave," stuff off my mind... It's poison... literally and figuratively... Anyway- I foresee a day of tears, laughter, Oreos and exhaustion... I have faith- In my program... in my sponsor... and with that, I have [less] fear...

8-9-08

Lots going on around here right now, so I'm exhausted and heading of for a nap- Before I go I want to get some stuff off my mind/ chest... whatever...

• Last night traveled east to see my favorite band play- Started off with some self-imposed stress: I'd bought too many tickets and had to get rid of one pair- Anyway- After some struggle, practically gave them away to some folks- Happy with the way I handled that: I played it forard a bit and knew that I would have a tougher time enjoying the concert, and enjoying it sober, if I had those tickets in my pocket. I knew that I was going to have those tickets in my pocket if I insisted on doing it my way: keeping them together, and charging full price- I took $20 each from two different people and, miraculously, felt great about it- I probably lost, I don't want to think about how much- but I retained my serenity... (WILCO tickets- $37.50 each- resale- $20 each - serenity- PRICELESS...) The concert was, of course, well infused with alcohol and drugs... as any good rock should will be... But I was so grateful to be there on life's terms: stone cold sober- There is NOTHING like 3 hours of pure goosepimpled bliss to inspire some serious gratitude.... All around- An awesome experience...

• Today got up for a local conference for a treatment center- Grateful not to be hungover- But feling like hell none the less- Guess it was sleep deprived and (second hand) smoke in the lungs... anyway- Quick round-up I'm really crashing here...)

• Speaker 1: AA- Amazing- As I shared with sponsor- The thing I really related to was that she did not have any prison, deaths or institutions in her story- 'Just' a steady diet of misery... And THAT I can relate to... (Somewhere in here I realized I may have issues with maintining friendships in a non-codependent way... I don't think I know how to do it- When I am someone's friend- I expect a LOT... Something to look into...)
  
• Speaker 2: Al-Anon"ic" Also wonderful- Staretd rough, and I started taking inventory but was on the verge of tears, again, in no time- Powerful to hear from the spouse- Also powerful to hear my codependent tendencies coming out of someone else's mouth... minor- found a few people who looked familiar and made brief conversation... no big deal, but nice to commune a bit- I don;t do it a lot... I wait for them to talk to me- No one told me off, laughed at me, or asked me why I was talking to them... I even got a "thanks for the nice comments..." I'll assume that was not sarcasm... :)
  
• Picnic- Of late, my theme has been stretching the boundaries of getting out of my comfort zone- This includes not depending so much on select few AAers I've known for a bit, but getting beyond myself and meeting new folks- Finding new meetings, etc... Anyway- Powerful thing was that, in my fear of being alone, I realized since I came to the picnic alone, I'd likely end up sitting alone. I prayed for someone to sit with me and for God to also be with me during that time. So I found an empty seat at a random table, ignored the look from the person I sat near (I perceived it to be "seat's taken" I said "Hi" he said "Hi" he tilted up next seat to more clearly communicate "seat's taken." I thought, "tell it to our sponsor," and dove into my food. Along came Bill, a wonderful local oldtimer I'd never met... We had a very nice talk... He andered off, leaving me to talk to the two women across the table from me- Turns out they are partnered women from near Asheville... We talked for about 1/2 an hour about nothing... I loved it!!! I talked about my parnter, books, their stories, etc... Really wonderful- My prayers, clearly, had easily been answered... Finally- Here is what I wanted to get 'written' down- The thing that got me through that picnic, and more- got me to ENJOY that picnic- Was that I was in a room full of people who all have somethig in common- Even though I did not talk to either party about sobriety, just have the knowledge that there was a guaranteed topic gave me the confidence to socialize- SOBER!!! Too cool.... Too cool indeed... naptime- oh wait, one more thing- I noticed today that when things are going well- I notice butterflies- I don't recall, since seeing them fly out of my grandmother's grave in (?) 96, seeing them when I'm not doing the right thing... Grateful for that hat-tip from God....
  

8-3

Interesting topic online this morning- Giving vs. Getting (or something like that...)

This is an area I struggle with- I feel like I do my part as far as service- I help out with online meetings, have chaired some f2f meetings... etc. and I love it- I really do- It brings me a sense of belonging, a sense of helping out, and some much neded humililty-

The problem is when I leave- When I get back in my head and the pride starts to build, and the feelings of not belonging, and being alone in a crowd, etc... Part of this, I think, is that I'm more aware of when it's occurring, and what it is, because of chipping away at my 4th step... So this is good, this is tough, but will lead to growth (when I start dealing with it appropriately... Part of it is also the underlying patterns that are becoming apparent: I spent my childhood largely outcast- I still make that connection.

Giving away my pride (telling on it, hiding it under a rock...) and retaining my humility maintains my serenity, connection with my hp, and increases my chances of sobriety- These are directly correlated and worth keeping an eye on...

Today- Feeling grateful, aware and connected- Residual bitterness about not being invited to an AA gathering last night (although I go to an amazing speaker meeting, hung with some great friends and had an overall great time....) but working towards getting beyond that- Humility- It's all about the humility... I'll get there...

8-2

"We surrender to win; we give away to keep;
we suffer to get well; we die to live."

Love the paradoxes in AA- Give to Get... From powerlessness to turning over will... etc...

How am I surrendering? Moment to moment I practice acceptance- 'Life on life's terms'... I don't rage when the font stays blue and bold, despite me changing it five times... I practice staying in the moment- I try to take the high road in conflict- I try (try!) to retain humility throughout my day... And In refuse to think too much about how/ why this works... Truth is- These things help me retain my serenity, which drastically minimizes my desire to drink today... It took me a long time to see and feel that connection-

Acceptance does not equal Agreement. (I accept that this font is blue and bold- I don't like it, and it's not what i want, but... I chose to live with it... )

NOW- No Other Way

Revving up for my 5th- Just a bit more to do on 4th, then heading to sponsor's house to "get cathartic with it..." Not excited about it right now, but have moments of trully looking forward to it- which tells me I'm letting go- Riding on faith- Faith in God, Sponsor, Program and myself.... I've been keeping some of this stuff to myself for a very long time- It will be nice to get rid of it... I deserve that.

8pm meeting tonight, followed by heading down to see ETI play- B's first show sober- Want to support that....