8-9-08

Lots going on around here right now, so I'm exhausted and heading of for a nap- Before I go I want to get some stuff off my mind/ chest... whatever...

• Last night traveled east to see my favorite band play- Started off with some self-imposed stress: I'd bought too many tickets and had to get rid of one pair- Anyway- After some struggle, practically gave them away to some folks- Happy with the way I handled that: I played it forard a bit and knew that I would have a tougher time enjoying the concert, and enjoying it sober, if I had those tickets in my pocket. I knew that I was going to have those tickets in my pocket if I insisted on doing it my way: keeping them together, and charging full price- I took $20 each from two different people and, miraculously, felt great about it- I probably lost, I don't want to think about how much- but I retained my serenity... (WILCO tickets- $37.50 each- resale- $20 each - serenity- PRICELESS...) The concert was, of course, well infused with alcohol and drugs... as any good rock should will be... But I was so grateful to be there on life's terms: stone cold sober- There is NOTHING like 3 hours of pure goosepimpled bliss to inspire some serious gratitude.... All around- An awesome experience...

• Today got up for a local conference for a treatment center- Grateful not to be hungover- But feling like hell none the less- Guess it was sleep deprived and (second hand) smoke in the lungs... anyway- Quick round-up I'm really crashing here...)

• Speaker 1: AA- Amazing- As I shared with sponsor- The thing I really related to was that she did not have any prison, deaths or institutions in her story- 'Just' a steady diet of misery... And THAT I can relate to... (Somewhere in here I realized I may have issues with maintining friendships in a non-codependent way... I don't think I know how to do it- When I am someone's friend- I expect a LOT... Something to look into...)
  
• Speaker 2: Al-Anon"ic" Also wonderful- Staretd rough, and I started taking inventory but was on the verge of tears, again, in no time- Powerful to hear from the spouse- Also powerful to hear my codependent tendencies coming out of someone else's mouth... minor- found a few people who looked familiar and made brief conversation... no big deal, but nice to commune a bit- I don;t do it a lot... I wait for them to talk to me- No one told me off, laughed at me, or asked me why I was talking to them... I even got a "thanks for the nice comments..." I'll assume that was not sarcasm... :)
  
• Picnic- Of late, my theme has been stretching the boundaries of getting out of my comfort zone- This includes not depending so much on select few AAers I've known for a bit, but getting beyond myself and meeting new folks- Finding new meetings, etc... Anyway- Powerful thing was that, in my fear of being alone, I realized since I came to the picnic alone, I'd likely end up sitting alone. I prayed for someone to sit with me and for God to also be with me during that time. So I found an empty seat at a random table, ignored the look from the person I sat near (I perceived it to be "seat's taken" I said "Hi" he said "Hi" he tilted up next seat to more clearly communicate "seat's taken." I thought, "tell it to our sponsor," and dove into my food. Along came Bill, a wonderful local oldtimer I'd never met... We had a very nice talk... He andered off, leaving me to talk to the two women across the table from me- Turns out they are partnered women from near Asheville... We talked for about 1/2 an hour about nothing... I loved it!!! I talked about my parnter, books, their stories, etc... Really wonderful- My prayers, clearly, had easily been answered... Finally- Here is what I wanted to get 'written' down- The thing that got me through that picnic, and more- got me to ENJOY that picnic- Was that I was in a room full of people who all have somethig in common- Even though I did not talk to either party about sobriety, just have the knowledge that there was a guaranteed topic gave me the confidence to socialize- SOBER!!! Too cool.... Too cool indeed... naptime- oh wait, one more thing- I noticed today that when things are going well- I notice butterflies- I don't recall, since seeing them fly out of my grandmother's grave in (?) 96, seeing them when I'm not doing the right thing... Grateful for that hat-tip from God....