Had a friend come back into the rooms- He was on for about 18 months, then out for 6, in for less than a week, and, apparently, has proudly left the rooms... It has zero impact on me, really, but just amazes me... He didn't even fight to stay sober, as far as I can
tell, but who knows... Maybe it's just not his time... Can't help but hold myself up to him in comparison... sometimes feel like I don't belong, even now... I continue to fall back on the fact that I feel tons better now than I did before coming into the rooms, and I have very little REAL desire to drink (... romanticizing aside...) When I do feel like throwing it in, I just don't... I mean, I would have to make a conscious and deliberate decision to have a drink... They don;t give them out for free... And my arm has to get it to my mouth... I just don't get it, and I guess I don't have to, except to understand it enough to avoid it occurring.... This is a spiritual situation, in that my connection to God determines how serene I am- How far I am from that drink... When I lose that connection and serenity, as sometimes happens, I just can;t drink... That's all... That's what white knuckling it means... I white knuckle it until I can gain back even the smallest glimmer of God....I truly am not putting myself up, or him down... I feel bad for the guy, but it's his business alone.... For ME, and only me: If I don't have a drink, I cannot lose my sobriety. Period. (He blamed his relapse on Ego- Reminder: EGO = Easing God Out)
Anyway- Things going well... Somehow mowing the lawn at the Quaker meetinghouse yesterday was exactly what I needed in terms of serenity, service and humility... I loved it- It kicked my ass, it was a beautiful day to ride in circles.... I look forward to doing this again-While not of service to AA directly, it was, no doubt, of service, and felt as such... I feel like I really helped someone out, did a good job, did it without a reminder or prompting, and feel absolutely no need for praise. Good day.(sorry bout the pic, couldn't resist... specially since I stole it from a church's website... hehe... da-rool...))
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