7-29

Whew- A rough few days. Really lost it Saturday, but thankfully had sponsor at the ready to help me walk through it all... 'This too shall pass...' works for a while, but after two weeks of riding the 'bipolar roller coaster' I was beginning to wonder... The fact that I had to hang at a bar all night didn't help, but was not the trigger... The triggers were a series of events that made me feel very very angry, lonely and tired... sister, boif, friends.... felt very isolated and, in the end, fed up... (Focus on the solution:) Helped to talk with sponsor, change the scenery, get out of head for a while (talked to a recent relapser on the way home who is struggling much more than I realized...) got away from my ego and prayed...



This morning I was reminded again of the 'morning prayer' from page 86 of the BB:

God direct my thinking today so that it be divorced of self pity, dishonesty, self-will, self-seeking and fear. God inspire my thinking, decisions and intuitions. Help me to relax and take it easy. Free me from doubt and indecision. Guide me through this day and show me my next step. God give me what I need to take care of any problems. I ask all these things that I may be of maximum service to you and my fellow man in the name of the Steps I pray. AMEN

I like that- All step prayers laid out here.

7-24

Welp.... Guess I needed a little break there :)

Had a friend come back into the rooms- He was on for about 18 months, then out for 6, in for less than a week, and, apparently, has proudly left the rooms... It has zero impact on me, really, but just amazes me... He didn't even fight to stay sober, as far as I can tell, but who knows... Maybe it's just not his time... Can't help but hold myself up to him in comparison... sometimes feel like I don't belong, even now... I continue to fall back on the fact that I feel tons better now than I did before coming into the rooms, and I have very little REAL desire to drink (... romanticizing aside...) When I do feel like throwing it in, I just don't... I mean, I would have to make a conscious and deliberate decision to have a drink... They don;t give them out for free... And my arm has to get it to my mouth... I just don't get it, and I guess I don't have to, except to understand it enough to avoid it occurring.... This is a spiritual situation, in that my connection to God determines how serene I am- How far I am from that drink... When I lose that connection and serenity, as sometimes happens, I just can;t drink... That's all... That's what white knuckling it means... I white knuckle it until I can gain back even the smallest glimmer of God....

I truly am not putting myself up, or him down... I feel bad for the guy, but it's his business alone.... For ME, and only me: If I don't have a drink, I cannot lose my sobriety. Period. (He blamed his relapse on Ego- Reminder: EGO = Easing God Out)

Anyway- Things going well... Somehow mowing the lawn at the Quaker meetinghouse yesterday was exactly what I needed in terms of serenity, service and humility... I loved it- It kicked my ass, it was a beautiful day to ride in circles.... I look forward to doing this again-While not of service to AA directly, it was, no doubt, of service, and felt as such... I feel like I really helped someone out, did a good job, did it without a reminder or prompting, and feel absolutely no need for praise. Good day.



(sorry bout the pic, couldn't resist... specially since I stole it from a church's website... hehe... da-rool...))

7-17

Got an online message from a facilitator (R) in the aaonline.net site asking if I'd show him a meeting in Greensboro someday, and today ended up being that day. We met at FC and shared coffee afterwards... What a cool opportunity- this guy has helped do a lot in terms of bringing this website to the attn. of AA and, as it turns out, getting it approved and linked from the AA.org site. That only took 8 years... Anyway, the real miracle was that a guy I used to drink with (D), and whom hit an awful bottom 1.5 to 2 years ago, showed up in the meeting. After his 'incident' he wasn't heard from much, and no one really reached out either. On one hand I felt bad about that, on the other he was more a frined of the folks I was hanging with than myself, and on the third hand (?) he maybe was our vision of an alcoholic/ problem drinker and made us feel okay.

Anyway- I'm grateful that I got to meet this new friend, and to have reconnected with an older friend. The boif and I had dinner out tonight (after the gym... pojnt?) and had a nice discussion which briefly touched on my sobriety- He asked if it would bother me if he had a drink sometime, and I said probably not. I asked if he thought he'd seen changes in me, and he had not... Oh well... I have... But I'm not sure he was too effected by my drinking before... As he pointed out- A lot of it happened with other people, and a lot happened while he was in bed or up at his computer (speaking of addiction! cough cough...) I simply said that he may have seen it more than he realized, gave some examples, told a few drunken stories he wasn't aware of, and then proceeded to join him in taking some of my active friends' inventories. Good times....

Today's topic was tolerance, and heard some good E,S & H around maintaining our serenity and spiritual connection in dealing with difficult people.

7-10

Phrase I'd not heard before: Toxic Shame

I've long held in thoughts/ regrets that cause me shame... I'm grateful that I am now on a path to b able to (hopefully) let go of those....

Chaired a meeting for the first time Tuesday night- Good feeling to b of assistance, a bit nerve wracking to chair for one's peers, but I will certainly have opportunities to practice...

Have been feeling "alone in a crowd" a lot lately... Leading me to be grumpy and kinda miserable to be around... I hate it, but not sure what to do about it... Thought I had it kicked but it showed itself again last night... Old habits die hard I guess....

Quaker yearly meeting his week.. slept for shit last night, so I let myself sleep in to try to catch up... Missed one session I kind of wanted to attend this morning, but no biggy... Will get over there later...

7-8

7-6

What a day. Still in the heat of it, I guess, but here's the rundown-

• last night- two birthdays at my home-group meeting: 5 yrs. and 23 yrs. Appreciated my sponsor mentioning his sponsees... Dinner afterwards at one of my favorite restaurants... It kept occuering to me- This is not how I pictured AA... Amazing- Really 'felt a part of' and for me, that's key...
• this morning Quaker meeting- Made my fist share- "Set fear aside and rejoice, for God is with you forever... I am grateful for the awareness today..."
  
• also signed up to do some service work at the meeting house later in the month- looking forward to the opportunity to give back in a meaningful way.
• Lunch with good friends afterwards. Hard to talk so much about recovery while not getting/ feeling reprimanded for 'preaching the program.'
• Off to see parents for an impromptu afternoon visit- To be hoest, wanted to see mom, and wanted to take advantage of sister being out of town... Had them to myself all afternoon and really loved it.
• Made it to an 8pm meeting at unity club near their house... My first visit in their town, and at this club... Good meeting- topic was self-will... Some very good ES&H... smokey...
• Was going over good day on the drive home, even called a drunk on the way home, who's share I particularly appreciated on Saturday, and whom I do not talk with enough...
• Got home, walked in to find partner on his hands and knees behind the couch, presumably hiding... when I said hi, he jumped up, furious, said he didn't want to talk about it, that we have ants (?!) and stormed upstairs. Somehow I'm to blame (or, more likely, my dog)...
  
• First thought: shots
• Second thought: next right thing- Take dog for walk around the block.
• Third: Acceptance, not agreement. I accept that he blames me for his frustration over the ants. When the time is right I can ask how I can help in getting rid of them. I will not take on his anger. I will not.
• Anyway- Serenity precariously in place. Right now, typing it out, waiting to see if there will be a second wave- Doing the next right thing, in baby steps.... Never ceases no amaze me how quickly things can change... How quickly my serenity can be challenged and how quickly my disease/ desire to drink can be triggered... Maybe I'll drink about it, but not today.
  

7-3

Doing well with summer schedule... Enjoying my coffee shop tour throughly, although the caff's got me WIRED....

Part of my daily routine is getting to the t-house to clean it out- with aug. 1 as a deadline. Yesterday was the first day I made it over there and when I arrived I found that my neighbor (we called her 'nosey neighbor', spouse of 'mean neighbor') had decided that my patio furniture was now hers, and was sitting at her house. Long story short- My first reaction was to hit the roof- Call the cops and raise hell... I took a step back, prayed, and called someone (the boif- my voice of reason...) I kept praying, looked at my watch and decided to wait an hour before making any decisions.

Anyway- I ended up leaving her a note (she wouldn't come to her door), worked on what I'd gone there for, and went home with a clear conscience.

As started typing this, she called. :) The wonders never cease. I'm going to pick the money up from her now- Amazing... Bit by bit we grow....

7-2

Picked up 6 month chip last night with T... Another member celebrated 4 yrs... Good night all around... Found out that a friend (chronic relapser) had found his way into a recovery center... Holding him firmly in the light.

Admittedly, my serenity was shaken a bit by the boif not only not attending, but seemingly forgetting about my 6th month all together. This is my own fault: I keep expecting things to miraculously change... Still practicing acceptance. I need to accept the fact that things may never change- and go from there...

Topic last night: How we define our HP- Reminded me of how I got to these rooms.... Grateful that friend I referenced in my share was present... Was good stuff for me and him both...

God got me to these rooms, these rooms bring me closer to God.
The coincidences stopped and God began.

I think my connection's about to give out... so...

7-1

6 Months-

• I do plan on picking up my 6th month chip tonight... Upon further reflection an discussion, 'the dessert incident' is about intent. I knew what I was ordering, but my intent was to eat dessert. When I realized that my intent was changing, and that this was a potentially dangerous situation, I stopped.

• Am on summer break and have set up a schedule for myself to minimize down-time, which has been problematic in the past. I'm giving myself a lot of flexibility in parts... but looks something like:

• 7-8 wake, walk dog, breakfast.
• Depending on time, morning meeting then coffee shop, or off to coffee shop.
• ?-11ish- coffee, blog, step-work, web surf (sans porn)...
• bring lunch to townhouse, eat
• 12:? -2- work on cleaning out townhouse
• 2-4 free time (pool, T.V., more web surf... with porn...)
• afternoon- gym, nap, band practice... day dependent..
• Celebrated my 6th month with my first early bird meeting. Good stuff, and packed.
• Topic: sponsors...
• side bar: two old-timers brought up the damned last name thing again. Not sure why that's such an issue for them, but the more they talk about it, the less I want to bring my last name into things. Battle of the control freaks I guess....
• My share: When I'm purposefully not doing what my sponsor suggests I'm doing a few things-
• Trying to gain a sense of control.
• Distancing myself from God.
• Trying to pick up an excuse to get drunk.

Overall- Good day. Excited about helping to chair tonight.